Week 5,
Choosing a Mate:
This week’s topic, “Mate Selection,”
opens up a question that will appear again as this course proceeds. It is not a question that comes directly from me, rather it is one that emerges from the topic under consideration.
opens up a question that will appear again as this course proceeds. It is not a question that comes directly from me, rather it is one that emerges from the topic under consideration.
What if I selected the wrong mate? What should I do now?
Let me give you a brief and direct answer. My answer applies in almost all cases. If you want to discuss this in detail, get in
touch with me. I’ll restate the question
for clarity and then give my direct answer.
What should I do if I
married the wrong person?
Stay married to them.
(If you are interested in a longer answer to slightly
different question, John Piper answers a question put to him about people who
wrongly remarry after divorce. The
summary of his answer is the same as my answer above. http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/285475-divorce-remarriage-and-honoring-god-desiring-god-john-piper.html/2)
You might also be interested in my comments on Piper’s This Momentary Marriage, including my
comment that I disagree with his very conservative view on divorce, http://howardmerrell.blogspot.com/2016/08/deer-hunting-and-book-on-marriage-its.html. In spite of our differences on divorce and
remarriage, we agree on the answer to the question—stay married.)
We are going to look at two stories this week and see what
we can learn from them.
·
The story
of Howard and Kathy’s courtship, and
·
Genesis
24, A Bride for Isaac.
Howard and
Kathy’s story:
You can read our story or watch the video. The content is the same. The video and the written version of the
story are on the disk. The written
version of the story is also in an email I sent. You can watch the video on YouTube.
Either
way, you should take some notes. You
probably ought to look at the questions before you watch or read. It will give direction to your note-taking.
The discussion questions to which you need to respond are
scattered through the following narrative.
To make it easy on you—You’re welcome—I put them all together at the end
of this lesson. They are in red. You can copy and paste them to use in your
response.
Read Genesis 24. Read in whatever language and translation you
like.
(Before we consider some questions that the two stories we
have looked at have raised. I want to
emphasize, to those of us of who are married, one very important reality. No matter how your marriage began your
present focus should be, how do I move forward in the marriage in which I find
myself? Nothing that I am saying
in this week’s material should be construed as an encouragement to get out of
an ongoing marriage because it started bad.)
Questions & Thoughts to be considered after hearing
Kathy & Howard’s Story and reading Genesis 24:
1) We could devote a whole course to the
subject before us this week. We are not
going to come anywhere close to exhaustively considering this subject. One difficulty that my story makes raises is
that generally there are two sides to this:
A.
Young people must make wise, Godly choices in
the matter of deciding who they are going to marry.
B.
Parents must provide Godly, wise counsel in
guiding their sons and daughters through the process that will lead to
marriage.
Some of you are married.
·
You may have some unfinished business to clean
up from point 1—forgiveness, repentance, acknowledging faulty foundations,
etc. (See the parenthesis at the
top). If your examination of the way you
got started, and the material you considered in your “Family background,” shows
problems from the past that continue to weigh down your marriage in the
present, take steps to deal with those matters.
(Kathy and I would be glad to be a beginning point in helping you.)
·
But the reality is you have already made your
choice. When we consider “mate
selection,” your focus ought to be primarily on how you can help your children,
and other young people, successfully negotiate the route from singleness to
successful marriage. In more than four
decades of pastoral ministry I have found this to be an incredibly important
ministry. Right now, your thoughts will
help the single people in this class.
Make your focus that which is most appropriate to your present status.
2) The two stories we considered
represent two extremes on concerning the matter of parental involvement.
In
the Story of “A Bride for Isaac” the chief actors were Abraham on Isaac’s end,
and Laban on behalf of Rebekah.
In Genesis
24:1-10, there is no mention of any consultation with Isaac. If there was any, it was not considered
important enough to be included in the narrative. Later, vs. 37-44, the servant makes no
mention of any conversation with Isaac, only with Abraham. Apparently Laban, a brother, is assisting
Bethuel in the parental role in Rebekah’s life. His initial response is immediate and without
any recorded consultation with Rebekah, “Here is Rebekah; take her and go. Yes,
let her be the wife of your master’s son, as the Lord has directed” (51). Later he asks his sister, “Are you willing to
go with this man?” (57), but that may have only been to see if she was willing
to go before the ten-day delay that her family had proposed.
Clearly the
bride and groom were almost completely uninvolved in this process.
In my case, my
marriage to Kathy involved my overcoming the objection of her parents.
·
On the above spectrum, where would you place the
African culture with which Walter Trobisch interacted in I Married You? (This is
clear in the first few pages.)
·
Ravi Zacharias, tells the story of his older
brother who married a woman he had never met, and did so with perfect peace,
because he trusted his parents. http://rzim.org/just-thinking/the-will-to-do/
·
Some years ago, Kathy and I were having dinner
with a Godly Indian pastor, who had received his seminary education in the
USA. He had two unmarried sons.
I asked Arnold whether he preferred the way young people found a mate in the USA (mostly the young people in control) or whether he preferred the system of his homeland where the parents took the lead.
He responded without hesitation that he very much preferred the “Indian” system.
I asked Arnold whether he preferred the way young people found a mate in the USA (mostly the young people in control) or whether he preferred the system of his homeland where the parents took the lead.
He responded without hesitation that he very much preferred the “Indian” system.
·
About fifteen years ago a young Indian man, who
was a student at a nearby Bible College was helping us at Covington Bible
Church. He was in love with, and wanted
to marry Maria. Maria was a Christian
woman in India. My friend, John, was the
only person living a Christian life in his family. He had become independent, living on his
own. He decided that he could not have
his parents seek a wife for him, since they would choose a woman who was not a
Christian. He asked his pastor to step
into this role on his behalf. John’s
pastor made contact with the parents of Maria.
At first they were unwilling to allow their daughter to marry John. He was going to be a pastor, and they were
usually poor. John and Maria made a
commitment similar to the one Kathy and I made, though in their Indian culture
the cost was likely to be much higher.
It might very well mean that wouldn’t be able to marry. Many of us, all over the world, prayed for
John and Maria. Today they have a lovely
family, and are seeking to plant a church in a needy part of India.
Where does the usual practice for selecting
a mate in your culture fit on the spectrum?
What are the dangers with either
extreme? (Please don’t worry about
hurting my feelings or insulting me. I
have discussed my actions in regard to Kathy for years. Some have agreed, others thought I was wrong,
still others just shook their heads in confusion. If you thoughtfully disagree with my
conclusions, I will not be upset. If you
agree with me without good reason, I will be disappointed. I ask you to use my experience as an
opportunity to learn.)
Are there aspects of the usual practices
for selecting a mate in your culture that might need to be challenged or even
opposed by those who are seeking to build a Biblical marriage?
Endogomy
and Exogamy, Who can I marry?
Stephen
Grunlan uses these two terms in his chapter on mate selection. “Every society has a culturally defined group within which one
may not select a mate. The rule of exogamy requires a person to select a
mate outside of this group.”
Endogamy requires or encourages mate selection within a culturally defined group.” (78) (Make sure these terms are in your glossary.)
Endogamy requires or encourages mate selection within a culturally defined group.” (78) (Make sure these terms are in your glossary.)
Grunlan
illustrates this with a diagram similar to this:
These two words should be in your glossary. They are defined below in slightly different
words than I used earlier.
Endogamy is the
practice of marrying within a specific ethnic group, class, or social group,
rejecting others on such a basis as being unsuitable for marriage or for other
close personal relationships.Endogamy is
common in many cultures and ethnic groups.
Exogamy is a
social arrangement where marriage is allowed only outside a social group. The
social groups define the scope and extent of exogamy,
and the rules and enforcement mechanisms that ensure its continuity.
Endogamy is a
boundary pointing to a group. “Marry
someone in this group.” Exogamy says,
“Don’t marry someone in this group.”
In my story there were some natural
factors involved. For instance, it was
very unlikely that I was going to marry a girl in China. I had never been to China, couldn’t speak any
of the languages native to china, and had no plans to go there. Most of us marry someone within the circle of
people with whom we are familiar. “One
of the major factors in mate selection is propinquity,
the geographical closeness of the other person.” (Grunlan, 79)
Before coming to Appalachian Bible Institute in 1969, Kathy
had considered some other schools. She
had been accepted at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago. Had she gone there, it would have been far
less likely that we would have married.
Our son, Chris, was struggling with this concept.
A number of factors in recent history have changed patterns
of behavior in this regard. In my
culture the change from people primarily working as a family in agriculture to
most people working individually in factory jobs, and therefore moving from
farms to cities, had a drastic impact.
Did you notice how a motorcycle and a couple of cars figured prominently
in my story? Grunlan is not alone when
he observes, “Perhaps nothing has shaped modern dating more than the
automobile” (59).
What changes do you
observe in your society in regard to dating and courtship?
Do these changes
encourage or discourage behavior in line with Biblical mandates?
What was a major requirement for Isaac’s mate? vs. 3-4
What were some characteristics that the servant looked for in the mate
for Isaac? vs.++ 14-21
What do you think about “arranged” marriages, where the parents choose
the partner for their daughter or son expecting their child to obey them?
Here are two terms for your glossary:
“How does dating differ from courtship . . . ? While a clear line cannot be drawn between
the two processes because they obviously overlap, generally dating is concerned
with the particular event and getting to know another person, whereas courtship
is concerned with mate selection and preparation for marriage.” Grunlan illustrates as follows:
Recreational Dating >>
Attachment-Oriented Dating >> Courtship >> Marriage
(Grunlan, 56-57)
Here is a quotation
from one of our texts. Note the
connection between courtship and marriage.
“In the light of this fact, our key verse from the Bible
appears as a very modern statement. It contains precisely the same three
factors. The great question is: What is the will of God concerning sex, love,
and marriage? How does God want them to be related? No one dares to answer this
question. “Nevertheless, I would like to make a proposition as a guide for our
actions in this time of confusion. Here is my proposition: “God’s will is the
interplay of forces. Therefore everything that favors it is in accord with the
will of God. Everything that hinders it is not in accord with the will of God.
“This guide is applicable before marriage, as well as during marriage. Before
marriage, you will have to ask yourself the question: ‘Will what we are going
to do prepare us later on for the interplay of forces in our marriage, or will
it block us and prevent the interplay?’ During marriage, you will have to ask
yourself: ‘Will this or that action deepen the interplay of forces, or will it
eventually disturb it?’
Trobisch, Walter. I Married You (Kindle Locations
1113-1125). Quiet Waters Publications. Kindle Edition.
In the case of Isaac
and Rebekah the entire process was clearly oriented toward marriage.
In my case, I decided fairly early where I wanted this to lead. My decision(s) about “not messing this up,” had a great deal to do with this. The culture in which my grandkids live is such that in some circles the term “dating” is synonymous with having sex. So with many of the young adults in my part of the world their being with someone of the opposite sex has no marriage anywhere in sight.
In my case, I decided fairly early where I wanted this to lead. My decision(s) about “not messing this up,” had a great deal to do with this. The culture in which my grandkids live is such that in some circles the term “dating” is synonymous with having sex. So with many of the young adults in my part of the world their being with someone of the opposite sex has no marriage anywhere in sight.
How will you regulate
your dating, so that it will lead (or could lead) to a healthy marriage for you
and the person you are with? For those
of you who are already married, answer that question from the perspective of
what you will teach your children and others over whom you have influence.
Briefly name one
other thing you learned from my story and one from Isaac’s.
We are a long way from exhausting this subject. If there are other matters you would like to
pick up, ask me about them.
Let me suggest one other matter that is important for
many. We don’t have time to consider it
as a class, but I’m putting some supplemental material here that you can pursue
when you want. It can create frustration
and paralysis in the lives of the unmarried, and doubt and/or defeat in the
married. This problem is particularly
insidious because it is most problematic to people who want to do what is
right. This was what caused Kathy to
break up with me, and part of what caused her doubts after that (Obviously, the
opposition of her dad to her marrying me was part of it, and she was wise to
carefully consider that.) Apart from the
parental opposition, I call it the “Bible-college-girl-syndrome.” In my observation, young women like Kathy
who want to do God’s will are most susceptible to this problem. In short, these young women—and some
men—express the problem this way. “How
can I be sure if he (she) is the one?”
Several years ago Garry Friesen & J. Robin Maxson did
the Christian community a great service by writing the book Decision Making and the Will of God, An
Alternative to the Traditional Approach.
One of the decisions that is dealt with in the book is how to decide
who I should marry. It is
excellent. Here is an outline summary of
the book: https://www.monergism.com/thethreshold/sdg/The%20Traditional%20View%20-%20Garry%20Friesen%20and%20J.%20Robin%20Maxson.pdf
And at this site portions of the book are posted, these
include material on the subject at hand:
https://books.google.com/books?id=xnJxgR56jC8C&pg=PA301&lpg=PA301&dq=Decision+making+and+the+will+of+god+mate+selection&source=bl&ots=jiYDenZOPt&sig=9saihpt12xJSKfct8JpQEcY2luI&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiRgvOwwNfOAhXI1h4KHWGxAHIQ6AEINjAE#v=onepage&q=Decision%20making%20and%20the%20will%20of%20god%20mate%20selection&f=false
https://books.google.com/books?id=xnJxgR56jC8C&pg=PA301&lpg=PA301&dq=Decision+making+and+the+will+of+god+mate+selection&source=bl&ots=jiYDenZOPt&sig=9saihpt12xJSKfct8JpQEcY2luI&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiRgvOwwNfOAhXI1h4KHWGxAHIQ6AEINjAE#v=onepage&q=Decision%20making%20and%20the%20will%20of%20god%20mate%20selection&f=false
More recently Kevin DeYoung picked up the Friesen, Maxson
theme and condensed it (I’m not sure if that was his purpose, but that’s what
it looks like to me) in his book, Just Do
Something. You can find his
thoughts on mate selection here: http://lodge.marrywell.org/2011/11/something-interview-kevin-deyoung/
The two articles I list at the end of this lesson also
contain points that deal with this subject.
“What I Learned In The Locker Room”
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